time

After a whirlwind last few weeks things have finally settled down and I find myself gazing at something I didn't think I would ever have enough of. Time.

Just finished two much anticipated and planned for events which ended up occuring side by side and now I find myself free, obligated to no-one with lots of time ahead of me to do whatever I will.

Interestingly though, I have found that even in the midst of my whirlwind I was still able to find stillness, every so often I would pause and things would seem to move in slow motion as I took some moments to just be.

I have so much I would love to say today. I have had so many good things happen in the past few days, but for now I find myself simply content to just be silent, and savour all the joy and love that I have had in my life lately.

Perfect because I now have all this time.

Mane attraction

I recently developed a new passion. I've been hesitant to mention it before and have actually kept it all under wraps for a while but my obsession is growing by the day and its getting to the point where I feel I have to say something or I'll just explode! It's not really a new passion, just an old one infused with a new burst of energy and information and a whole new world of people who just like me are discovering a part of themselves that has been cherished and abused and despised and tortured. Manipulated and hated. Teased and preened and proudly flounced and shown off... Its amazing the things we do to our hair and it still faithfully just keeps growing back. Yes. I'm crazy about my hair.

I recently stumbled upon this whole hair revolution quite by accident. I have always been a rather hands on do it yourself type of person when it came to my hair. I love to do my own hair and so after I got into the whole relaxer phase and had to get my hair done at the salon every two weeks it used to bother me. So much that one time I tried to wash my own hair at home, for old time's sake, I ended up with a tangled mess that I eventually had to cut-off. That was the first time I went natural. After shedding a few tears at the hair loss I embraced it. Finally, hair I could wash again.

I managed to put up with it for a while until it grew quite a bit and became rather unmanageable, I found myself back at this lovely new hairdressers getting my hair relaxed again. She worked wonders and my hair was lovely all curly and bouncy and shiny, I played with it, coloured it and pretty much enjoyed the hell out of it, but my hands itched to get in on the action and I would spend a lot of the time braiding my hair just so I could have a part of the fun. After having my hair in braids for several months in a row I took my hair out and realised I had a sizeable amount of hair underneath after some contemplation, out came the scissors and I was free again. I was determined to stay natural this time around and decided to try locing it when it got too long to manage. Two years later, I still can't get myself to do it. Just as well because after a visit to a salon where I had to have my hair teased and pulled and fried by a hairdresser who had no idea what do with it and kept asking me every few minutes why I just couldn't get my hair relaxed, I realised that I love my hair just as it is. It was almost an epiphany. I love my hair.

Then one day while trawling the web looking for styling ideas for my hair I came across Long Hair Care Forums and it was like finding my long lost family. This site led me to tons of other hair care sites, hair inspirations. Who'd have thunk it? People who are just as obsessed about hair (many of them much more) than I am. I couldn't believe it. Now, several months, and tons of information later. Here I am... so madly in love with this stuff that grows on my head. And I can feel it loving me right back too. It's healthier and more manageable than it has ever been and I know that things will only keep getting better and better.

I was surprised to discover that this new love for our hair is being viewed as a sort of revolution. Many of the 'natural' hair sites tended to take a very militant approach to hair care with strict rules about what is or is not considered natural. I could sense a lot of pain in that and it seemed rather misplaced because this is just hair we're talking about.

But is it 'just hair'? Or does our hair carry with it our unhealed wounds of self-hatred and feelings of inadequacy from being unable to attain an illusive image of beauty that society has long presented us with? Is it the physical manifestation of our desire to fit in and our inability to do so? Sometimes it's more than just hair, it conceals a plethora of beliefs that tend to trickle down into how we feel about ourselves and how proud we are of who we are. It is so great to come to a place where hair becomes just hair, and better still becomes beautiful hair, just as it is. An outlet for freedom and self expression, no matter what it looks like. Whether it is worn in its natural state or preened and teased into whatever it is the wearer conceives in their mind. To look at yourself and think to yourself, I love my hair. Braided, relaxed, coloured, loced, spiked and barely there... it's just hair.

And if you take a good look. It is all beautiful hair... just as it is.

I Am Not My Hair - India Arie

Little girl with the press and curl
Age eight I got a Jheri curl
Thirteen I got a relaxer
I was a source of so much laughter
At fifteen when it all broke off
Eighteen and went all natural
February two thousand and two
I went and did
What I had to do
Because it was time to change my life
To become the women that I am inside
Ninety-seven dreadlock all gone
I looked in the mirror
For the first time and saw that HEY....

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I ma not this skin
I am a soul that lives within


Good hair means curls and waves
Bad hair means you look like a slave
At the turn of the century
Its time for us to redefine who we be
You can shave it off
Like a South African beauty
Or get in on loc
Like Bob Marley
You can rock it straight
Like Oprah Winfrey
If its not what's on your head
Its what's underneath and say HEY....

Does the way I wear my hair make me a better person?
Does the way I wear my hair make me a better friend? Oooh
Does the way I wear my hair determine my integrity?
I am expressing my creativity..

Breast Cancer and Chemotherapy
Took away her crown and glory
She promised God if she was to survive
She would enjoy everyday of her life ooh
On national television
Her diamond eyes are sparkling
Bald headed like a full moon shining
Singing out to the whole wide world like HEY...

If I wanna shave it close
Or if I wanna rock locs
That don't take a bit away
From the soul that I got

If I wanna wear it braided
All down my back
I don't see what wrong with that

Make a choice

You have never, not for one moment, been off your path.
And you have no reason whatsoever to feel any embarrassment
or discomfort about where you are at this stage in your life.
You are powerfully on your path.
And you are just beginning the best part of your life.

Abraham-Hicks, San Francisco 7/28/07

I got this in my mail this week. The words just jumped out and hit me. How perfect is that?

I am exactly where I am supposed to be. There is nothing I should be doing. Only what I choose to. And whatever I choose to do that's ok. It still keeps me on my path. Powerfully on my path even.

Seems like a simple enough observation but its not always been this simple for me. Lately though, I have decided to be conscious in my life. Take more a driver's seat in what I do rather than just go with the usual knee-jerk reactions. Part of my whole unlearning process.

I find that I am rather surprised by what I choose to keep choosing. I think of myself as a rather positive person but it seems like I was spending a larger part of my life choosing to focus on the not so positive aspects of my life. From where I'm at now I know that nothing is inherently positive or negative, that's just the label that we choose to give to it. And a lot of the time we do not make these choices consciously. We just do it because we do it.

Taking time to choose to give a positive label to things was certainly not the done thing with me. I would get upset first then once I'm there in my upset place, (sometimes for a few moments other times for days) try to cheer myself up. I don't know why I felt the need to go there... you know... to that upset place first. I didn't really choose it, just did it because that's what people do. It's what you do when a so called negative thing happens. What I did anyway.

Can't believe the difference making a choice makes. It's a split second choice too. Something happens and before I react I think "Who says this is a bad thing?" What if it turns out great? And before I know it I'm blissing on with my day without skipping a beat. And after realising how effortless it can be to go through life without the whole positive-negative spiral thing going on I wonder why I didn't choose this sooner.

It's that simple. Just choose it. Whatever you want... and usually its just to be happy... choose that and let everything in your life fall in place around that. It's not always too easy at first. They're all those buts and shoulds flying around. Pay not attention to them and they'll gradually loose their hold on you. Don't worry if everything doesn't feel peachy or if you still find yourself in that upset place every so often. You're still on your path, still headed right to where you say you want to go. Just choose again and again and again and just keep choosing what you want and pretty soon you'll find that you have it.

Joy is our natural state of being and once we get there the current carries us with it and we just flow with it until we get to a point where we choose something else and we find ourselves struggling to move against the current. Well that's my experience anyway. Don't take my word for it. Try it yourself. Make a choice.

The art of savouring

I just got something that I had wanted for so long. Out of the blue I found it and now it’s in my life. Every time I think of it I get frissons of excitement up my spine. It is such a lovely feeling. Gratitude. Appreciation. Thankfulness. Joy. I started to wonder why I don’t do it more. When I sit and think about it, I now have a lot of things that I had wanted for so long. The list is so long and so amazing. Why on earth don’t I take time to appreciate them?

It’s so easy to get caught up in the not so pleasant aspects of life that you forget to see the blessings. Rather than frown at the pile of laundry waiting to be folded and put away on my bed I can be grateful that I have so many lovely clean clothes to wear and strut my stuff in (not to mention that I have the stuff to strut ;-) ).

Life is beautiful. It’s all about the angle we choose to see it from. Since getting my mysterious and wonderful thing that I had wanted for so long. I have been trying to notice more the things that I have in my life that bring me joy. I realise now that my life is chock full of mysterious and wonderful things that I have wanted and received.

I find that I now dwell so much on adding more of this gratitude in my life, because of the immense transformational power it has. Most of my life I have been taught what others thought was fit to teach me. Now after nearly three decades of being alive I am realizing that I need to re-learn a lot of things that I once knew. Simple things like how to be grateful and how to be happy, how to enjoy things, how to have enough. I am rediscovering it in the lost art of savouring. Taking the good in your life and diving into it, basking in it, getting totally blissed out by it then when you’re done finding something else to savour. There’s always something else, and sometimes they hide in the seemingly most ordinary of things. Like a glass of water, a cool breeze, a person.

Today I am grateful for the art of savouring.

sad

Original prints of this drawing available for purchase at zindy.zone.dk

looking through glass

The sunshine is back. Literally. After a few erratic burst of cloudy weather and rain the sun is back and with it a rather unforseen consequence.

I have always had trouble with too much sun. My eyes get all squinty and if I'm in it long enough I get a headache, I pretty much like to stay out of it when I can, but after finding myself more in the sun than out of it for a while, my eyes started to give me trouble, decided to go for a check-up and two days later, I'm walking out of there with my very first pair of glasses. Photophobia. Or as the doctor put it " You're allergic to the sun."

Its not just the sun though, the computer, tv, even office lighting. Allergic to light would be more apt. So anyway, for the past two days I have been looking at life through glass. Its such an interesting shift. I feel like more of an outsider. An observer. It is so much easier to be detached.

Looking at life though glass I was able to speak up to someone when I felt wronged without getting all emotional about it. Looking at life through glass I am able to put things into perspective. Documents are just documents, tasks are just tasks, I no longer see it as an extension of who I am. Looking at life through glass I was truly able to see a mother's love for her daughter and the wisdom of her choices without bringing myself into the equation and projecting my own issues and judgements into their relationship.

After a whole day of looking though glass I have to say, looking through glass has given me a whole new way of seeing the world. The best part for me though is still taking them off when I don't need them and seeing life as I am used to. It's like a double gift. I have developed a greater appreciation for both views of the world.

There is a certain of irony to it though. Allergic to light. Hmm. Can't help but feel there is a message for me in there, somewhere.

Grateful for it all though.

Thank you Uni.

S

gift of gratitude

I was standing by the bread counter at the supermarket yesterday eyeing the baguette inside while the two people behind the counter were very very slowly serving the bunch of customers that were waiting on the same side that I was. I was toying with the idea of just getting in there and getting my bread myself when I noticed a bunch boys next to me eyeing the same baguettes.
"27 bob?" one of them exclaimed, "wow!".

I turned away and decided to pay attention to my own thoughts instead. It was the second time that day that I was in there buying the same baguette. Since it was a public holiday and I had decided to treat my nieces to a day of swimming and my sister and Erica were spending the night at my place. I had underestimated their appetites the first time round so I was back to get more bread after they had totally demolished the first loaf.

" How much is this?" Said someone to my right.
"44 bob" said the guy at the counter and I looked up amazed that someone had managed to get his attention. I turned to see the leader of the group of boys who had now moved to the shelves holding up a loaf. They were all eagerly looking at the loaves and scones on display and seemed to be wondering which one to pick. "And this one?" the boy asked lifting a smaller loaf, this time, behind-the-counter guy didn't answer and I figured the boys had been at it for a while. I heard them discussing something amongst themselves and caught the boy who seemed in charge saying that he wanted to buy some milk as well. It then dawned on me that these boys were walking around because they were looking for something that they could afford, on closer inspection I realised that they were a rather scruffy lot. I reached into my purse to get some coins to give them then remembered that I always dump my coins in the ash-tray in my car. At about that time it was finally my turn to be served so I asked for the baguette and I figured I'll buy my stuff, get some change then come back and give the boys some money so that they can buy their bread. I turned to look at them and they had moved from the bread side and were looking at the snacks, wide eyed and astonished, I also noticed that they were pushing one of those little shopping carts that I find so ridiculous.

I went on with my purchases and got my stuff stood in the queue for what seemed like ages. In my mind I was formulating all sorts of explanations for why the boys where there. I guessed they had decided to come over there for a treat when one of them had surprisingly received some cash. They probably had about 50 bob to spend and had probably walked there from one of the not so nearby slum areas.

Purchases done, I walked out just in time to see my sister and niece come into the supermarket looking for me. I left them with the shopping bags then rushed back to where I left the boys, to my relief the little band was still there eagerly eyeing the diplays and they had managed to find two items to put in their carts that were within their budget. I took out a hundred bob note and went over and talked to the leader of the bunch. "You guys wanted to buy some bread right? "Yes" he said eagerly albeit a little warily. "Well here you go" I said handing him the note. I was totally unprepared for the reaction. First their eyes opened wide and then they gasped "Asante Mathe* ". Oh my goodness. I have never seen such gratitude. Such geniune gratitude. I smiled as they turned their cart around and went back to grab the stuff that was now within their reach.

I was walking away when I realised that there were about six boys in the bunch and the money still wouldn't be enough so I went back and exchanged the hundred with a two hundred note, and this time the gratitude, oh my goodness. All the boys chimed in again in a chorus of "Asante Mathe" A few of them put their palms together in an answered prayer stance. Eyes wide open, wider smiles and a feeling of joy and gratitude that was truly tangible. I smiled my welcome and scurried away, their gratitude chorus had been enough to break through the reveries of some of the other shoppers and one guy gave me a quizzical glance as I walked past him.

I wished I had given them more, it didn't seem like much. They had given me so much in exchange. Walking down that aisle nothing seemed the same, I was so blessed I couldn't beleive it. If they could show so much gratitude for 200 bob, how much more so should I who had that 200 bob several times over.

I went back to Erica and Vicky who were waiting for me outside the supermarket. "Auntie Sam what did you buy?" Asked Erica. I told her a few of the things in my bag and she giggled in delight. I looked at my purchases and sent out a smile of gratitude too. For my job, for my car, for my family, and for the ability to buy and pay for their little treats, for my friends, for all the things that bring me joy and for the Universe for allowing me to have that in my life. I couldn't believe how many times I had taken it all for granted, and worse how many times I complained. I was at that moment so so grateful for all it.

And most especially, for that band of scruffy boys with their little cart, for the slow behind the counter guy and for the 200 bob, the best money I have ever spent.

Thanks you boys for your most precious gift of Gratitude.


* Asante means thank you in Swahili and Mathe is slang for Mother or Mama which is a common way for a child to address a lady in these parts.

It'll take me far

It's the next best thing to wings as far as freedom is concerned.

Dreams, wishes, friends, family, joy, love seems so much closer.

I'm grateful for cars, and for my car and for all the places it has taken me.

Grateful for you Louis (IV).

You have taken me far.

TY

S

Infinite love is all there is....

... all else is illusion.

What a lovely read.

I love it when something tickles my fancy and captures my imagination. David Icke is an interesting guy and he seems to have made an amazing leap from the Reptilian Agenda to Infinite Possibility.

Its a lovely place to be and his way of describing our current world is amazing, and laugh out loud funny too.

I'm not sure what else to say. I want to say something deep yet light and insightful that captures how I feel for me to come back later and relive this moment. Sort of a bookmark that will remind me of how wonderful it is to just be, just be.

Someone else's words seem to do it for me so well though.

I'm taking my freedom
Putting in my car
Where-ever I choose to go
It'll take me far

I'm living my life like its golden, living my life like its golden, living my life like its golden, living my life like its golden, golden

just growing

"You're not growing older... you're just growing"

I wonder sometimes how all this mind talk serves me. Is it it any use trying to figure out all the big questions. Is it my way of running away from living life?

When it all comes down to it, am I not better served in exerting my efforts towards actions that can actually help me ... make something of myself?

Why am I concerned with finding my true self, and at what point did I lose her?

I'm often fascinated by the effortless selfness of children. I miss it. That total knowing that you are who you are. I'm not sure when the doubts crept in, but they did. After years spent working on growing older and making something of myself, I have begun to wonder when did lose this self that I am now trying to build. Who is this self that I am so intent on becoming and how is it myself if I am not that already?

I have observed it in the children around me, as soon as one begins to focus on growing older, they begin to act like an adult and in the process stop being who they are.

I want to drop the act. Its getting so old, so fast. I want to be instead. To just be me. I'm not sure exactly what it looks like, but it feels like where I am headed. Or to be more precise, where I am underneath all my acts.

Not growing into something, no particular destination. Just growing.

Be-you-tiful

When you know how to look, everything and everyone is so beautiful. In their wonderful and unique special way, especially when they find themselves being, who they truely are.

Its hard to put a finger on, that you-nique you-ness, when you find it and are being it, there is a flow, things seem to fall into place and point the way forward and you don't have to struggle, it is as effortless as breathing and so light, so perfect, so pleasureable.

Be-you-tiful.

my dream poem

Came in to post about my dream poem and found a lovely post about saying what I mean that I had forgotten all about. How divinely a propos because my dream poem was a whole new adventure into saying what I mean.

I had a dream. A lovely real vivid dream and at the end of the dream I heard this song, and when I woke up I felt an urge to write down what I dreamt in the form of a poem. My dream poem.

It was more about the song at the end than the actual events in the dream and yet this song captured all the valuable aspects of my dream so it ended up being about all of it.

Interestingly this song had no words. I could only write about it, I couldn't write it, and yet I knew that I heard it, I knew it was there.

It was a song of meaning not of words. It said it all without saying a single word and it was up to me to find words that described it.

It felt like what I would call inspiration. That spark of an idea and knowingness that leads you to create, to write or sculpt or paint in an attempt to express something that is beyond common expression, beyond ordinary words.

I suppose poerty is the art of painting pictures with words. Sculpting them so that they can say that which cannot really be simply spoken.

The more I discover the beauty of words the more I find myself go silent. I suppose my way of going inside to find my meaning.

say what you mean

I came across some amazingly perfect words today… kids kid, lovers love and a writer writes. So simple so true. Words have a way about them. Of saying much or saying absolutely nothing. Getting them together and stringing them together in a way that just expresses a feeling is the most precious thing. It’s the best high. Saying what you mean.

It shouldn’t really be so difficult. I got lost in trying to do other things other than simply saying what I mean. I want to impress, I want to show my skill as a wordsmith, I want to sound intelligent to say or do something different. I want to put ideas together in a way that will make another gasp in amazement and have their life totally transformed. I get so caught up in all my little agendas that I forget the perfection in just saying what I mean. I get so caught up that I don’t even know what I mean to say.

Saying what you mean. Painters paint and singers sing. Dreamers dream and teachers teach. But what is taught does not come from the outside. It is more about lighting that inner spark. Sending the person inside so that they can find their inner truth and find a channel to express it. And the best way to do this is to do this too.

A timely reminder.

Be who you are. Do what you do. Say what you mean.

Always.

unmasked

Give me your pain.
And I will hold it safe for you,
keep it on a shelf for you.
And find a way to make the pieces fit.
Together, we might even make some sense of it.
It cannot hurt me half as much
can't destroy me, when I touch
that secret place that no one knows,
the sorrow you don't dare to show.
_______________
Hand me your tears.
And I will save them in a jar.
Sealed with love, but not too far
from where we dance, and laugh, and play---
I'd never throw those tears away.
They cost too much to waste, you see.
Give those precious tears to me.
And they will glisten in the sun---
and comfort us when day is done.
_______________
Tell me your dreams.
And I will hold them in my heart
and honor them, like works of art.
And weave them into tapestry---
upon the wall, for all to see.
I'll nurture them and help them grow---
wind them up and make them go.
Just place them here, upon the floor.
Then lay back and dream some more.
_______________
Sing me your song.
Let it ring out loud and clear
in tones that only I can hear.
And I'll record each precious line,
a symphony of joy divine.
I'll orchestrate the melody
to match the heart that I can see
And they'll remember you were here.
And play your song in future years.
_______________
Show me your soul.
I'll recognize just who you are---
and write your name across the stars.
And comfort you when we are old.
I'll keep you sheltered from the cold.
To give to me all that I ask
To share yourself, remove your mask---
Will make us One in space and time.
You give me yours, I'll give you mine.

Daniel Jacob

into the dark side

I’m afraid of my dark side. Afraid that if I dare to explore it I might fall into an abyss so deep I can never find my way back again. It is a real fear, a real chest gripping fear that feels like a heavy weight that is slowly crushing the life out of me.

The interesting thing about the fear is that I am not afraid that the darkness might consume me, but that I will consume it and become something that is even more terrifying. I do not have any doubts about my power. It is the idea of fully diving into it, without fear holding me back, I guess I’m frightened by what I know myself to be capable of.

This is why I have preferred to embrace the light, why I feel that if I scoot over to way on the other side of the fence, then the darkness can lose some of that force that beckons to me to explore it. To shine some light on it and start to understand it. And I draw closer with mixed feelings. ‘That which you understand too well you are in danger of becoming’

Smile.

Right now I’m afraid there is more danger is not exploring all facets of my Self. This illusion that being totally in the light is somehow controlling these darker elements in me, keeping them down and rendering them powerless is skewering my vision and making me lose the clarity that has guided my steps thus far.

It seems like all the steps I have taken have led me here. Even when I double back and take another path, I still eventually find myself here. On the brink of crossing over and exploring this darkness…

all good

Wow, a lot has happened since I was last here, potential earthquakes and grid firing and freezing temperatures and growth and letting go and more growth and fun, fun, fun.

I find myself at one of those points in my life when I don’t have much to say. Life is good. Been reading a lot and going inside a lot and being quiet a lot. And it feels nice to pause before I act and send out a simple prayer. It’s from Hawaiian Ho'oponopono and it’s usually one, some or all of these lines. I love you. Thank you. Please forgive me. and I’m sorry. In no particular order, though they always seem to take an order of their own to fit the situation and they are so amazingly simple and yet so powerful.

Taking the briefest moment to remember who I am and why I’m here totally changes the tone of my days. I’m amazed that I was able to live with as much negativity as I was unconsciously putting out.

I love you.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I’m sorry

Seems like the shortest distance between where I am and where I say I want to be. Who'd have thought it could be so simple.

Thank you.

Yesterday, I got the most pleasant suprise, my sister gave me a copy of the latest book by Paulo Coelho as a belated birthday gift.

I’ve just finished my first reading of the book and my first impression was that it is a very very dangerous book. It is an encounter with a total new way of being, a sort of crossroads from where life moving forward will never be the same again. It is a call to be different and yet at the same time sets you up for failure.

Many will read the book, feel that stirring within to dare to be bold, to be different and then when faced with the mundaneness of reality, cast their dreams aside and settle for a world that is familiar, safe, and more easily understood. Others though may recognise the stirring as that magic that has guided the best moments in their lives and choose to wake up to it and pay more attention to the signs that life throws along their path.

This book can only bring to you what is already part of your existence and the danger is that there are those that may fail to recognise this.

I want to read it again. I devoured it all in one evening and now I want to take time and be with the subtleties and the nuances. Like all of Paulo’s books, they seem to find me with some sense of serendipity, showing up at just the perfect time, revealing something to me that I am finding myself bringing into closer focus. I suppose it is because when writing his books, he chooses to be guided by the Divine, becoming like his Athena a way in which we can come into contact with the Soul of the World.

Thank you Mr. Coelho.

in plain sight

All the greatest secrets of the world lie hidden in plain sight. Right before your very eyes. The secret is to go inside and find that willingness to see what had been previously kept from you.

It is revealed. It has all been revealed. The answer to every question or dilemma that you may have. It is yours if you are willing to reach out and touch it. If you are willing to get to the end of your knowing and to open yourself up to that state of knowingness.

Hidden in plain sight.

Open your eyes and see it.

just imagine

I am struck by how much dies because of a lack of imagination. I find myself uninspired. Looking for that next step and curiously lacking in creative ideas. I have planted the seed, and I guess now I need the patience to watch it take root and grow, and the faith, that everything is working together to create this future that I dream of.

I guess this is the crucial step. This letting go of my lack of imagination. It is not a quality that I had previously thought to let go of. But I guess that was my lack of imagination talking. I find that when I see myself as a failure, when my actions seem to be a waste of time, and when my dreams appear unclear and unachievable, that is my lack of imagination talking. That it is at that moment more than ever that I need to beleive in the power of my imagination.

And it is then that I need to nurture it and let it grow even as my dream grows along with it.

I read a piece today in Warrior of Light that made me feel so unaccomplished, that made my life and my experiences seem dull in comparison, but it just dawns on me, that what I have lacked is not excitement and experience, but a lack of imagination when describing it to myself.

I seem to be judging myself with a different scale, one that needs to be practical and measurable and I realise that I judge myself in the way that I experience my world judging me and yet, I have been so gentle in judging the world letting my imagination take wings and giving all the benefit of doubt. I need to bring this scale back to myself. To write my story anew. I am not what you tell me I am. I am not what you think I am. I am every grand and beautiful thing that I see in you. I am as intelligent as the most intelligent, as beautiful as the most beautiful, as loving as the most loving and am as deserving of the life of my dreams as the most deserving.

I am as able as the most able. And I can do anything I saw I will. Anything I choose. Anything I desire. And right now I am creating something beautiful.

You just watch.

" ... "

To meditate does not mean to fight with a problem.

To meditate means to observe.

Your smile proves it.

It proves that you are being gentle with yourself,

that the sun of awareness is shining in you,

that you have control of your situation.

You are yourself,

and you have acquired some peace.

~Thich Naht Hanh~

walking mediation

1] You have already arrived. So, feel pleasure at each step and do not worry about things that you still have to face. We have nothing before us, just a road to be traveled at each moment with joy. When we practice pilgrim meditation, we are always arriving, our home is the present moment, and nothing more.

2] For that reason, always smile while you walk. Even if you have to force it a bit and feel ridiculous. Get used to smiling and you will end up happy. Do not be afraid of displaying your contentment.

3] If you think that peace and joy always lie ahead, you will never manage to achieve them. Try to understand that they are both your traveling companions.

4] When you walk, you are massaging and honoring the earth. In the same way, the earth is trying to help you to balance your organism and mind. Understand this relationship and try to respect it – may your steps have the firmness of a lion, the elegance of a tiger and the dignity of an emperor.

5] Pay attention to what is going on around you. And concentrate on your breathing – this will help you to get rid of the problems and worries that try to accompany you on your journey.

6] When you walk, it is not just you that is moving, but all past and future generations. In the so-called “real” world, time is a measure, but in the true world nothing exists beyond the present moment. Be fully aware that everything that has happened and everything that will happen is in each step you take.

7] Enjoy yourself. Make pilgrim meditation a constant meeting with yourself, never a penance in search of reward. May flowers and fruit always grow in the places touched by your feet.

(Summary of the teachings of Thich Naht Hanh from the book 'The Long Road to Joy' from Warrior of the Light)

the difference is you

What a difference a day makes
Twenty-four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
Where there used to be rain

My yesterday was blue, dear
Today I'm a part of you, dear
My lonely nights are through, dear
Since you said you were mine

What a difference a day makes
There's a rainbow before me
Skies above can't be stormy
Since that moment of bliss, that thrilling kiss

It's heaven when you

find romance on your menu
What a difference a day made
And the difference is you

silent treatment

Somebody's giving me the silent treatment and I've decided to take it and give it to myself.

I guess the only reason for the silent treatment was too much noise. Too many words.

Being one who loves words, I like to play with them, move them around and create different images and ideas. Taking that from me is hard. It makes me want to fight. Find the perfect words to get the conversation flowing again. Trying this formula and that formula...

There is a magic in silence though. Once you stop trying to fight it and fill the empty space with words it shows itself to you and says things to you the words couldn't.

I realise that sometimes I am so in love with my words, that I may not always pay enough attention to those of another. I realise that sometimes I am so caught up in creating pictures with words that I do not see what is staring me in the face.

And maybe what I really need is some good old fashioned silent treatment. To help me develop a new sense of appreciation for words.

So that I may not be so quick to throw mine away, and so that I may see the beauty in the words of the other.

seed

Today I plant a seed

A seed of purpose

Set forth with passion

Slowly germinating into a plan

Found this picture with these words underneath it.

Perfect.

We are reminded of the power

And energy stored in seeds.

As Winter wanes

This energy will be

Manifested as new life.

www.gaiamind.com/seed.html

I run

Not everyday, and not at any record breaking speeds

But every so often, I get up early, strap on my running shoes and

I run.

It always seems like an uphill task, my running

Getting up is the first hurdle, next is getting out of bed on time

Getting dressed, after that it gets easier, and once I'm out of the door the battle is half won

The next hurdle is hitting the road. It helps when you have company doing it alone is tougher.

The first few steps, and then the breathing becomes heavy and the distance to be covered looms ahead seeming long and impossible.

I like the route that I run. It starts of slow and then starts to climb, just when you're getting started trying to convince yourself that you can actually do this you start to climb and climb.

I like to start out slow, hang on to those reserves so that they can serve me in the final rush to the finish. But with my route I sort of have no choice. I know that to finish I have to keep running and man running up those hills. Its the ultimate test. And I give up over and over again and the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that part of me keeps running. Even when I think I don't want to,

I run.

I see a lot of things as I run. Other people, running too, or walking, Places I've heard of and planned to visit, Nice neighbourhoods that I would like to live in, Drivers who irritate me. My temper is rather short at some point in my run. Tired, thirsty and with so much distance ahead of me to be covered, little things can really bug me.

Plenty of time to think though, and when I'm not thinking about how hard this is, and how tired I am, my mind crunches through other things and I clear out a lot of junk and before I know it, I find that I've passed that magic halfway mark and I know that I no longer want to give up and turn back, and my stored reserves kick in. And as if by magic my road stops climbing easing up into a gentle slope and then then its down all the way and I have to control myself to keep from flying and burning up all the stored energy.

Its exhilerating though and usually at this time I finally remember why I do it. Why I get up and run. My chest opens up and air fills up my lungs so easily. My limbs find new strength and my stride widens.

And running seems so easy, any memories of my struggle to get there are quickly erased and I find myself running for the sheer pleasure of it.

I run

and I run and I run and the distance to my destination just gets shorter and shorter and I guage how much I have in me and how much I have left and up my ante and push harder, go faster, but funny enough, I never totally go for it and use all I have left. I run until I get to those glass doors, jog in, get into the elevator, go up the stairs and jog into the gym get on the treadmill and then I slow down into a brisk walk and then slow down and come to a stop.

My wonderful body. Tired, sore, sweaty. An amazing huge smile on my face. A rumble in my tummy and peace, joy and exhileration in my soul. Every part of me reminds me that I am alive. And right then I know I can do absolutely anything. The breath comes in deep down and fills my chest and the energy goes right to the tips of my fingers and my toes. And I am so grateful for this powerful wonderful machine that I carry with me I want to fill it with nothing but the best. The freshest air, the clearest water and the most wholesome food. I am so in love with this me who kept me company while I ran, who kept running even when I wanted to stop.

I go down. Get cleaned up, grab my fruits, take a nap or go on to do whatever I had planned for the day. And I carry with me all the wonderful jewels from my run. My sense of self, my confidence, my appreciation for my body, my healthy glow and my knowledge that because I ran, my body is doing all that is necessary so that my next run will be easier.

Yeah, I run.

Not everyday. Not to break any records, nor win a prize, but

because it feels good,

feels so good.

And because I can.

wow

Fog

Woke up this morning to find a cloudy mist had fallen over my world.

It was such a lovely representation of my own inner fog and uncertainity. Nothing much has changed, the buildings are still there behind the hazy cloud that obscures them. And so my inner well of wellbeing still overflows even though this news that I have received has turned my attention away from it.

There is something beautiful about the fog if you take the time to see it. A lot of the time though we focus on the lack of clarity. We want the fog to lift so that things can go back to how they used to be and fail to appreciate the moment of beauty. This change that makes old things look new, this change that will soon go away and leave us looking at our old world in a new way.

For no matter how much we think that there is a certain way things have always been, things are never the same. They have never been. Everything is new, constantly shifting and changing. And every so often a fog will fall upon us to remind us of this.

Sometimes it takes a moment of not seeing anything at all to teach us how to see clearly.

This is my moment.

Finding clarity

It is good to be surprised
To have things turn out not as you expected
Much as we would like to have everything under control
This is why we get up in the morning
To experience something different
Learn something new

Once I had all the answers
But the more that I experience life
And face questions that I had never thought to ask
I realise that only the foolish think they know it all
Wisdom is not knowing the answer
But knowing that there is an answer
And being willing to find it

It is good to be silent
And turn off that voice that speaks inside
Forget all that you know and sit with a you
That knows nothing at all
To face a blank space were no words appear
Ceasing to know and starting to hear
And soon what was hidden begins to be clear

Clarity ~ Samantha Waki

light at the end of the tunnel

Thank you.

Mitsuo Aida

Because it has lived its life intensely

the parched grass still attracts the gaze of passers-by

The flowers merely flower,

and they do this as well as they can.

The white lily blooming unseen in the valley,

Does not need to explain itself to anyone;

It lives merely for beauty.

Men, however, cannot accept that 'merely'

...

You don't always have to pretend to be strong,

there's no need to prove all the time that everything is going well

you shouldn't be concerned about what other people are thinking

cry if you need to

it's good to cry out all your tears

(because only then will you be able to smile again)

The words of Mitsuo Aida, Japanese calligrapher and Zen poet.

unwritten

They're bubbling up inside of me. Words, feelings, emotions, insights, past, experiences, memories. And as I sit here I watch them take shape as I seek to lay them down in such a way as to leave a mark in those who come across them, a slice of who I am and who I am becoming. And an insight into something more. My reason for existence, my purpose. And my hope is that it will give you a glance into your own inner well of ideas. Shed a light on your own story and inspire you to go inside and pull out something beautiful to leave behind as a reminder to next person and the next person and so it goes.

My elaborate plan to take over the world. To shake all those slumbering souls and awaken them to the light within so that their moments, their lives, their little worlds can never be the same again. It is a big plan for such a little girl. And yet it is possible. Everyone says so. Every great person I look up to, all the greatest teachers who ever lived, and you see it in the eyes of new born babies, and impetuous little toddlers who are still too young to have had it taught out of them.

I'm here to take over the world, to fill my life with moments of joy and pleasure and spread smiles and love and leave my indelible mark on all I come across.

And so it begins...

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

positively african

I came across a message today that made me smile and feel good about being here, now. African and in Africa. It was a message of hope. One that could look beyond all the 'obvious' signs and see a future where the world would be able to look at us and look past our darkness and see the light than shines out strong and bright across our continent. It hard to put it in words and describe what it means to be African without sounding unusually political or separatist. In the spiritual world of oneness and love it is seen as backward to think of yourself as not part of the whole. And in many ways there is a collective oneness that unites us all. A common thread that runs throughout humanity. But Africa has long carried the burden of blackness for the rest of the world.

There is a darkness that we are born into that we seem to carry for the rest of the world. For the most part we carry it silently, our light is strong and our spirit unwavering so in the light of darkness we still shine. We carry the things that you would not bear to look at. And we hide it far away in hard to find places so that you do not need to see it unless you want to. And still we shine, still we strive. There is an inherent struggle against the weight of the darkness of the blackness. And while some among us are driven to shed it or run away from it, you always take it with you. And it is only when you acknowledge it, when you learn to see it, only then can you transcend it. For when you do see it you recognise it for what it is. Its beauty shines out and colours your world helping you look past the 'obvious' and see the truth.

On the days when the burdens weigh us down though, we hope for a day when it will be easier. When things will be clearer and when the light will shine more visibly and the beauty can be openly acknowledged. It is at times like this when it is good to see a message of hope. One that talks of a different Africa. The Africa that we all carry in our hearts.

A new way to see

Woke up last night to the sound of a crash and breaking glass. I didn't give much thought to it, though I did find it hard to sleep and ended up getting out of bed and grabbing a book to read while I while away the time.

It wasn't until later this morning that I found the source of my wake up call. The hook that was holding my mirror up gave out and it had fallen and broken into little pieces.

I decided to look for the significance and I find myself not grasping the obvious meaning of a new beginning, a chance to see myself in a new way which funny enough seems to be a theme for today.

But still I feel there is more and as I begin to look I find it in the words of St. Paul.


For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
1 Cor 13.12


And here finally I find my meaning. It is not totally about a new way of being, rather a new way of seeing. A subtle difference I know, but I feel like this crash that woke me up, and invited me to put into my hands a copy of Paulo Coelho's the Pilgrimage and begin to read it with new eyes. This broken mirror that led me to words of St. Paul. And the message from Paulo in my inbox this morning about taking every day as if its the first one, every experience as if it is new.

Taking time to look at old things in a new way. Face to face.

I feel some excitement in this discovery and a feeling that something exciting is beginning to take shape.

seasons of love

Back.

After a long break. The space between now and then seeming startlingly diminished as soon as I begin.

It reminds me of a song

five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure?
measure a year
in daylights,
in sunsets,
in midnights,
in cups of coffee,
in inches, in miles,
in laughter,
in strife
in five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure a year in a life?

how about love?
how about love? how about love?
measure in love...
seasons of love... seasons of love...

five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan
five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
how do you measure a life of a woman or a man

in truths that she learned or in times that he cried
in bridges he burned or the way that she died

its time now to sing out though the story never ends
let's celebrate remember a year in a life of friends
remember the love...
(oh you gotta remember the love)
remember the love...
(oh yeah, its a gift from up above)
remember the love...(sing out, give out, measure your life in looooooove...!!!)
seasons of love...
seasons of love...

Its so amazing. This song speaks to me of so much. Answers all the questions I was hoping to have answered here today.

Measure in love.

embracing the mystery

"For those who know, no explanation is necessary.

For those who don't know, no explanation will suffice."

~Anonymous~

dance of two as one

I am…

Spinning around and around in this Dance of Two as One.

Playing peek-a-boo with perfection

Now I see you, now I don’t

Only each time I look up from my hiding place

I see more I know more I am more.

I am…

Growing

Words of wisdom from about a year ago. Describing this dance that we call life, and love and living. On this path to growth and expansion. Digging into the archives of my thoughts I find myself starting to question the direction of this growth. Glimpses of a past me show me showing up as wiser more sure footed and yet my memory keeps a record of the strides that I have made. Of growth. Of comfort zones that I have stepped out of thus extending my boundaries, exceeding my horizons. And yet the bigger the world gets the the blurrier my path starts to seem. Not so much that the path has changed, but that the perception of it has shifted so that things do not seem so clear. So black and white. And I find myself stepping back a little to get a sense of direction then stepping forward. Dancing still.

This dance plays out in my relationship too. Ebb and flow. In and out. A few steps back, a few steps forward. It seems an inevitable part of life, like there is no clear way around it. Change, impetus, motion and yet all of it leading back to the same place.

The Dance of Two as One.

Why dance? For the joy, for the beauty, for the exhileration. Because it feels good, because the music carries you. Because the entire Universe dances right along with you.

As above, so below. As within, so without.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat

But always keep that hunger

May you never take one single breath for granted

God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small, When you stand by the ocean

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me you'll give fate a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Living might mean taking chances, But they're worth taking

Lovin' might be a mistake, But it's worth making

Don't let some hell bent heart, Leave you bitter

When you come close to selling out, Reconsider

Give the heavens above, More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)

I hope you dance(Rolling us along)

I hope you dance(Tell me who)

I hope you dance

(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small, When you stand by the ocean

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance

I hope you dance

I hope you dance(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)

I hope you dance(Rolling us along)

I hope you dance(Tell me who)(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)

I hope you dance(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)I hope you dance

(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)(Where those years have gone)

Lee Ann Womack - I Hope You Dance Lyrics