I carry you with me

The sun is about to rise on my trip to Egypt.

It hasn't totally sunk in yet. That I'm actually going to this ancient land in less than 48 hours.

I have totally no expectations which is great. I'm holding a blank slate waiting for the Universe to colour it with my experiences.

And while I'm looking forward to the next two weeks in a new place, new land, I can't wait to come back, full of all I will have seen and heard and tasted, to you.

pause

God lives...

In me. In my mouth, in my actions. In the highs, in the lows and in the spaces between.

I always used to think that God was in the good stuff, and when things weren't going so well I had moved away from God somehow and needed to get back there, back when everything was ok. That was until I sneeked a peek of him in the stuff that didn't feel so good. There she was in all her splendor, mirth glinting in her eyes, a knowing smile playing on her lips, and to be honest, while I was reassured that she was still there, I was a little irritated by her good humour. Couldn't she see how tough things were going for me? Couldn't he tell how bad I felt, how sad I was? Wasn't he going get me out of the situation? Something stirred in me and told me that she already had and I had an urge to take a look in the mirror, a really good look.

And right there deep in my eyes, deep past the sadness, past the frustration, past the anger there it was, the faintest glint of mirth. I looked deeper and deeper, deep past my limiting beliefs, past my past hurts and disappointments, deep into the source of my joy and contentment, right into my soul and suddenly there she was radiant with shining eyes and a knowing smile playing on her lips, and the funny thing is, she looked just like me.

God lives... In me.

angel sunrise

I feel like I climbed to the top of the highest mountain and just when I thought I couldn't go higher I did, and soared way above the highest heights imaginable, waves and waves of pleasure taking me higher and higher. It was so amazing and I was so unprepared for it, so overhelmed by it all that when I finally came to rest, a certain lassitude crept over me and stayed with me as I began to feel the weight of my limitations. The weight of being human.

They call it 'the little death'. A few moments of blissful heaven and then back to life and living. Like a new born feeling the sudden separation and emergence into individuality trying to figure out this thing called life. Searching for a reason for one's existence here on earth. And in trying to figure it out I am beginning to realise that some things cannot be just black or white. Some things are not meant to be figured out. Only lived.

And it is this which keeps us alive.

One breath at a time.

(Image from the Hubble Telescope - Young Stars Sculpt Gas with Powerful Outflows in the Small Magellanic Cloud)

Search

You can search the world over
and you will find no one who is more
deserving of your kindness and well wishing
than you yourself.

~Buddha~

Panthera

I've had a rather enlightening morning. The result of my lying in bed and hearing the word Panthera whispered in my head as the name of my alter ego. I have just immersed myself in the world of the big cats and I am now full of all sorts of trivia about the cats. Reading about them feels a lot like reading about family. I have always had an affinity for the big cats and especially tigers ( Panthera tigris). There is something about these big cats that has always spoken to me. From falling in love with the fearsome Shere Khan in the Jungle Book to loving the cute pair of tiger cubs Sado and Lin at the Animal Orphanage and ofcourse dear old Hobbes.

Even now tigers still speak to me, I remember once when I was pretty frustrated at the airport in Washington tired, sleepy and I not getting much help from the ladies at the check-in counter (staff tickets), I went of to find a place for me to sit and rest for a while and I found myself staring at this billboard that was right in front of me with the words Don't be intimidated, Go on, be a Tiger. I smiled, it was actually a half laugh, and I suddenly felt all energised and cheerful again, I got up and went back to the counter where I was met by a surprsingly helpful lady who promptly checked me in and I was soon well on my way home.

I guess that voice whispering in my head put a name to something I have always known.

Panthera.

Avatar

This is my name in Hebrew letters. Isn't it beautiful.

It means 'Listener' in Aramaic and is the female version of 'His name is God' in Hebrew.

Some people translate it to mean Listener of God.

I love that I was drawn to this picture just when I was wondering what to do about my avatar.

It is so beautiful, so perfect, so me.

Tree

Something wonderful is going to happen today. Maybe it already is. Today has a nice fresh feeling. And like the events of the past few days I feel it pointing myself into a deeper appreciation of my Self. A deeper connection with my centre.

When I made the stillness post, I felt so connected with my inner core, I was no longer the story I had created about me, I was my core essence and I couldn't find any words to describe it because words would create another story. I find myself now releasing the parts of the story that require others to appreciate me so that I can be certain things. Simple things like being beautiful.

I am reminded of the question " If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" And after years of waiting to be heard, I am realising that it is enough that I am.

Stillness

Hmmm.

Appreciating myself seems to be a theme for me today.

'The balance that you are wanting to bring into your life experience is the balance of appreciating you. And you appreciate you.... not all at once on the big things, you appreciate yourself: One thought by one thought, One segment by one segment, One moment by one moment... by looking for reasons to appreciate yourself.'

~Abraham Hicks~

Bloom

In A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, he speaks about the flower. I loved this extract so much that I got the book and found that I had already read all that this book had to share with me in this extract. He seems to grasp such a beautiful message and then loses it, or rather loses me, in all the technical theorising about its application.

Beauty when recognised and contemplated connects me with my inner well of joy, wisdom, beauty, abundance, love ... all there is that makes my spirit soar. Creates a certain lightness in me.

Looking at the flower, I see a tiny seed buried in the earth, absorbing water and minerals and warmth and dreaming of the light. I see the tiny shoot start to form and push its way through the earth reaching for the light that will be its salvation. I see the tiny leaves breaking the ground and emerging into the light and taking it in so that they can create food to nourish them on this journey to enlightenment. I see the rain falling. The sun shining. The tiny bud beginning to form and under the watchful eye of the sun, beginning to open... to bloom. And finally I see the flower, made all the more beautiful by its journey. It is not really the brightness of the colour, the softness of the petals and the intricacy of the design that makes me pause and smile. It is that flower winking at me and whispering to my soul 'if I can do it, you can too', and the beauty in me stirring and sending a message to my brain that maybe everything is possible after all.

s.h.m.i.l.y.

Every day I love him more and every day I realise just how much he loves me.

Its amazing really. Almost overwhelming. I suppose this is why it comes to me in bits and pieces, so that it does not knock me out with its sheer force. Our times together are filled with little awakenings, aha moments that scream ( or whisper) 'see how much I love you'.

I realise that the only limit to the amount of love I receive is my perception and I love how being with him makes me look at things in a different way, shift and change my perception so that I can let more love in.

I love how it is all so perfect, how he is an answer to questions that I had never thought to ask. Before I ask, I find that they were already answered. He seems to morph in my perception to fit my ever changing images of self. It is as if at some point we ceased to be separate indivduals and have fused into one unit, the actions of one arm complementing those of the other. And yet rather than losing myself in us, I am finding myself. Never before have I ever held such a perfect image of who I am. Never before have I felt myself to be totally free... to be me.