Circling

Yesterday I grabbed my trusty old notebook and began journaling in it again. Till I realised that it was not really that old, will be a full year old in a few days.

I decided to go back and read through my feelings this year. See how far I'd come, how much I've grown, how much I've accomplished, achieved.

I couldn't beleive the words on those pages, couldn't beleive that a full year ago I was still battling with the same things I do today. Keeping my spirits up. Finding meaning in life. Being happy. Not so much battling as willing it. Consciously willing.

And I realised that no matter how much my circumstances had changed, I was still the same person making the same choices. Circling over and over. All of it seeming rather pointless. What good were my breakthroughs if I ended right back to where I came from. Why even bother?

What was the point?

And just now it comes to me, as I go off looking for an image that speaks of what I feel. The point is all in where you look it at it from. Its all about the vantage point. From down here it doesn't seem to make much sense, but if I step away and look at it from above, the pattern comes together to create something beautiful. Its not always the same choices and the slight differences make all the difference to the big picture.

I have grown. I am not the same. I have walked my path and circled and circled and created something of beauty, and if I am not much changed by the experience it is because I was perfect to begin with.

There is nothing to fix, there are simply experiences to be savoured, truths to be remembered and lived, love to be shared, beauty to be enjoyed, cherished, discovered.

The point is living. That's the point. Its not something that you can think of as an accomplishement, or an achievement it just happens effortlessly.

For a full year I have lived. It doesn't make me any more special that anyone else. It just makes me here. At this point.

Alive and pointless and so so happy.

Real

Loving him feels real.

After days, months and years of feeling like it was a fantasy, something ethereal that I couldn't hold on to, something that could easily slip out of my fingers, its starting to feel real. Solid.

I think he feels it too, like we're finally past the blinders, past the expectations and wishes and dreams and we're finally getting to have a really good look at this love of ours and it looks real.

And the funny thing is, its better than my fantasies, better than the dreams and wishes and expectations. Its solid and true and real.

Real.

The Art of Allowing

Note from the Universe

'Sometimes it's easy to forget, Samantha, that everyone's just on their way home.
That you're all truly the best of friends.
And that this whole crazy thing kind of started as a dare - to see who might love the deepest, no matter how lost the others became.

Gosh, how you're missed. '

~ The Universe ~

unravelling me

It felt like my entire sense of self worth was held together by a single thread.

All my dreams, hopes and disappointments were shaped to form a life worth living by this single thread that wove all of them together.

This weekend something happened that pulled at that single thread causing it to break and my unravelling to begin. And slowly I watched it all crumble, this facade that I had been happy to live with, leaving me vulnerable, and exposed. Fragile and beautiful in my fragility. Confused, shaken, weak. Unravelled.

And it feel like now I have to start again, start to weave my life back together into something I am happy to live with. Dreams and hopes and joys. No more disappointments. At least not the old ones that I have been carrying with me.

The best thing about falling apart, is putting everything back together again.

And I will. One dream at a time.

Colours

Thank You For These Colours

~ Sabin Cornelieu Burage, Electronic Painting~

I was looking for an image that would describe what my trip to Egypt felt like and when I used the search word 'Colours' this image popped up and it was absolutely perfect. When I followed the trail to its origin and came across the title I had to smile. It was just so perfect.

That's exactly how I felt.

In my last post before I left I talked about how I was holding up a blank slate for the Universe, I had no expectations and was simply open to what would come my way and what did was absolutely wonderful. Colours, beautiful, vivid, breathtaking colours in the most unexpected places. I loved the country, I loved the people, I loved the culture and my experiences touched me and left their mark on me.

I have to go back. And if I'm wise, I'll still carry my blank slate with me. Actually, I plan to take one out every day and open up myself to the magic, to the gifts that the world has to offer to me. To all that unexepected breathtaking colour waiting to be discovered.

Thank you for these colours.

its all about you

"So, creation really is more about loving yourself; it's more about feeling your worthiness; it's more about appreciating a friend; it's more about enjoying the sunset; it's more about enjoying the beautiful flowers. It's more about finding reasons to relax into Well-Being, rather than gather up your strength and valiantly go forth to achieve your tasks, and serve your cause... because your "cause" is, to be the receiver and radiator of the love and Well-Being that is You.

You are an extension of Source Energy. You are one who loves, and you are one who loves to think, and you are one who loves to create, and you are one who loves to contemplate. You're one who enjoys stimulation of thought. You're one who enjoys choosing; you enjoy considering; you enjoy pondering; you enjoy fashioning. You enjoy putting things together. You enjoy figuring things out. You enjoy knowing. You enjoy not being sure and then becoming more sure. You enjoy the evolution of a thought. You enjoy the expansion of an idea. You enjoy the expansion of life experience. You enjoy the pleasure of being this genius focused in the most creative environment that has ever existed, for the fulfillment of things that satisfy you. You are liquid love in physical bodies, wanting, more than life itself, because it is life itself, to adore the vessel that's you through which this Source Energy flows. You are God. You are Source. You are creator. You always feel good from your Source Energy perspective.

You don't feel regret; you don't feel doubt; you don't feel worry; you don't feel shame; you don't feel guilt; you don't feel anger; you don't feel hate... You feel joy; you feel appreciation; you feel worthiness; you feel eagerness; you feel passion. You feel like the little kids feel—watch them: they're sure; they're arrogant; they're not afraid. You say, "They're not smart enough to be afraid." We say, they are still smart—and not afraid. You say, "But they don't know enough to worry." And we say, they know everything—and they do not worry. The children are still more vibrationally imbued with that feeling of passion and joy—and that is what this work is about. It's to assist you in returning to the natural state of Well-being—the natural state of being that is really You. "

~Abraham~

San Rafael, CA , February 21st, 2004

I carry you with me

The sun is about to rise on my trip to Egypt.

It hasn't totally sunk in yet. That I'm actually going to this ancient land in less than 48 hours.

I have totally no expectations which is great. I'm holding a blank slate waiting for the Universe to colour it with my experiences.

And while I'm looking forward to the next two weeks in a new place, new land, I can't wait to come back, full of all I will have seen and heard and tasted, to you.

pause

God lives...

In me. In my mouth, in my actions. In the highs, in the lows and in the spaces between.

I always used to think that God was in the good stuff, and when things weren't going so well I had moved away from God somehow and needed to get back there, back when everything was ok. That was until I sneeked a peek of him in the stuff that didn't feel so good. There she was in all her splendor, mirth glinting in her eyes, a knowing smile playing on her lips, and to be honest, while I was reassured that she was still there, I was a little irritated by her good humour. Couldn't she see how tough things were going for me? Couldn't he tell how bad I felt, how sad I was? Wasn't he going get me out of the situation? Something stirred in me and told me that she already had and I had an urge to take a look in the mirror, a really good look.

And right there deep in my eyes, deep past the sadness, past the frustration, past the anger there it was, the faintest glint of mirth. I looked deeper and deeper, deep past my limiting beliefs, past my past hurts and disappointments, deep into the source of my joy and contentment, right into my soul and suddenly there she was radiant with shining eyes and a knowing smile playing on her lips, and the funny thing is, she looked just like me.

God lives... In me.

angel sunrise

I feel like I climbed to the top of the highest mountain and just when I thought I couldn't go higher I did, and soared way above the highest heights imaginable, waves and waves of pleasure taking me higher and higher. It was so amazing and I was so unprepared for it, so overhelmed by it all that when I finally came to rest, a certain lassitude crept over me and stayed with me as I began to feel the weight of my limitations. The weight of being human.

They call it 'the little death'. A few moments of blissful heaven and then back to life and living. Like a new born feeling the sudden separation and emergence into individuality trying to figure out this thing called life. Searching for a reason for one's existence here on earth. And in trying to figure it out I am beginning to realise that some things cannot be just black or white. Some things are not meant to be figured out. Only lived.

And it is this which keeps us alive.

One breath at a time.

(Image from the Hubble Telescope - Young Stars Sculpt Gas with Powerful Outflows in the Small Magellanic Cloud)

Search

You can search the world over
and you will find no one who is more
deserving of your kindness and well wishing
than you yourself.

~Buddha~

Panthera

I've had a rather enlightening morning. The result of my lying in bed and hearing the word Panthera whispered in my head as the name of my alter ego. I have just immersed myself in the world of the big cats and I am now full of all sorts of trivia about the cats. Reading about them feels a lot like reading about family. I have always had an affinity for the big cats and especially tigers ( Panthera tigris). There is something about these big cats that has always spoken to me. From falling in love with the fearsome Shere Khan in the Jungle Book to loving the cute pair of tiger cubs Sado and Lin at the Animal Orphanage and ofcourse dear old Hobbes.

Even now tigers still speak to me, I remember once when I was pretty frustrated at the airport in Washington tired, sleepy and I not getting much help from the ladies at the check-in counter (staff tickets), I went of to find a place for me to sit and rest for a while and I found myself staring at this billboard that was right in front of me with the words Don't be intimidated, Go on, be a Tiger. I smiled, it was actually a half laugh, and I suddenly felt all energised and cheerful again, I got up and went back to the counter where I was met by a surprsingly helpful lady who promptly checked me in and I was soon well on my way home.

I guess that voice whispering in my head put a name to something I have always known.

Panthera.

Avatar

This is my name in Hebrew letters. Isn't it beautiful.

It means 'Listener' in Aramaic and is the female version of 'His name is God' in Hebrew.

Some people translate it to mean Listener of God.

I love that I was drawn to this picture just when I was wondering what to do about my avatar.

It is so beautiful, so perfect, so me.

Tree

Something wonderful is going to happen today. Maybe it already is. Today has a nice fresh feeling. And like the events of the past few days I feel it pointing myself into a deeper appreciation of my Self. A deeper connection with my centre.

When I made the stillness post, I felt so connected with my inner core, I was no longer the story I had created about me, I was my core essence and I couldn't find any words to describe it because words would create another story. I find myself now releasing the parts of the story that require others to appreciate me so that I can be certain things. Simple things like being beautiful.

I am reminded of the question " If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" And after years of waiting to be heard, I am realising that it is enough that I am.

Stillness

Hmmm.

Appreciating myself seems to be a theme for me today.

'The balance that you are wanting to bring into your life experience is the balance of appreciating you. And you appreciate you.... not all at once on the big things, you appreciate yourself: One thought by one thought, One segment by one segment, One moment by one moment... by looking for reasons to appreciate yourself.'

~Abraham Hicks~

Bloom

In A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, he speaks about the flower. I loved this extract so much that I got the book and found that I had already read all that this book had to share with me in this extract. He seems to grasp such a beautiful message and then loses it, or rather loses me, in all the technical theorising about its application.

Beauty when recognised and contemplated connects me with my inner well of joy, wisdom, beauty, abundance, love ... all there is that makes my spirit soar. Creates a certain lightness in me.

Looking at the flower, I see a tiny seed buried in the earth, absorbing water and minerals and warmth and dreaming of the light. I see the tiny shoot start to form and push its way through the earth reaching for the light that will be its salvation. I see the tiny leaves breaking the ground and emerging into the light and taking it in so that they can create food to nourish them on this journey to enlightenment. I see the rain falling. The sun shining. The tiny bud beginning to form and under the watchful eye of the sun, beginning to open... to bloom. And finally I see the flower, made all the more beautiful by its journey. It is not really the brightness of the colour, the softness of the petals and the intricacy of the design that makes me pause and smile. It is that flower winking at me and whispering to my soul 'if I can do it, you can too', and the beauty in me stirring and sending a message to my brain that maybe everything is possible after all.

s.h.m.i.l.y.

Every day I love him more and every day I realise just how much he loves me.

Its amazing really. Almost overwhelming. I suppose this is why it comes to me in bits and pieces, so that it does not knock me out with its sheer force. Our times together are filled with little awakenings, aha moments that scream ( or whisper) 'see how much I love you'.

I realise that the only limit to the amount of love I receive is my perception and I love how being with him makes me look at things in a different way, shift and change my perception so that I can let more love in.

I love how it is all so perfect, how he is an answer to questions that I had never thought to ask. Before I ask, I find that they were already answered. He seems to morph in my perception to fit my ever changing images of self. It is as if at some point we ceased to be separate indivduals and have fused into one unit, the actions of one arm complementing those of the other. And yet rather than losing myself in us, I am finding myself. Never before have I ever held such a perfect image of who I am. Never before have I felt myself to be totally free... to be me.

Sun Shower

He says that that is what my energy feels like. Like a Sun Shower. A gentle rain that falls from a cloudless sky while the sun shines. And so that's what he calls me sometimes.

I like it.

Sun and water. Light and Cleansing. Power and Gentleness.

It feels like a purification.

A new beginning.

Bright. Clean. New.

My holding place

And so it begins... or continues, words simply shifting from one medium to another, and this my holding place. Holding tidbits and visions of myself, little moments and musings that I can return to. My holding place. Has a nice ring to it. I think I like it.