Like an Eagle

"Bless the LORD O My soul and forget not all His benefits... He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagles" Psalm 103:2,5

There is something fascinating yet elusive about youth.  Those who have it rarely know what to do with it and once you've figured it out there's hardly any of it left.  No wonder society is in constant pursuit of it.  Everyone wants to capture it and hold on to it and keep it forever.  Many people have fond memories of their youthful years.  Of friendships, fun and crazy antics, heartbreaks and heartaches and missed opportunities, triumphs and treasures and everything else in between.  And if you're lucky at the end of a young life well lived you get to usher in another young life and guide them into the process of growing into an adult and hopefully help them avoid the hurts and disappointments that peppered your own life.  

My own life followed a similar script except for one thing, a dark cloud that constantly hung over me and coloured my perceptions.  I could never clearly see the beauty in, or around, me,  my days were filled by a dark cloying sadness that always seemed to lurk close by.  At any given opportunity it was ready to invade my moments and take away any vestige of joy and happiness that I had left.  Diagnosed as having a mood disorder at the age of 19 I may have not been ready for the next 17 years of trying to make sense of the incomprehensible, but I knew that something had changed forever.  I tried to hide it, ignore it, run from it but it was always there, lurking in the corner, ready to pounce in on anything that I valued.  I finally picked the safest option and chose to simply withdraw.  Withdraw from fun and friendships and live a life of silent heartaches and heartbreaks and a longing to escape it all.  My triumphs and treasures faded into nothingness, obliterated by the darkness that seemed to expunge all light.

It would have been sad if my life ended that way.  If like the closing credits of a movie the words "THE END" floated over it putting an end to my silently tortured existence.  But like a conquering hero coming in at the last moment to save the day God's mercy said NO!  Echoing the words of David written throusands of years before I came into existence  God stooped down lifted me out of the pit of my desperation and placed my feet on solid ground.  Through the loving words and actions of people He placed around me, He introduced me to the true Light.  One no darkness could quench.  Under the glare of this gentle and merciful Light no darkness could stand.  And looking back on my life those 17 years of seeking became 17 years of victories.  

Not my victories but His.  My life is a testimony of His goodness.  The miracle was not that He did not allow it to happen but that He carried me through it.  True to His promise in Isaiah 43:2 "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you". God did not fail me.  He was always there to hold me and comfort me, to give me solace even in the most fearful and unpredictable situations.  I am proof that every word of this promise is true, even when I could not see it God held me through it.  And looking back through His Light of understanding I can see what I never could.  A love that stood the test of time. 

One thing I know for sure is that His promises are true.  And now that I know this I can no longer look back at my most youthful years with regret. Though it may seem that those elusive opportunities of my youth may have dried up.  I simply cling to another promise.  I know that the Promise Giver is faithful and I am seeing His promise unfold everyday.  My heart is filled with joy and gratitude for I once was blind but now I see.  Where there was once only sadness I see beauty and goodness and love and opportunities to love.

My heart sings and these words leap from it as if they were my very own "Bless the LORD O my soul and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desire with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."  

Finally looking back at my life I am able to understand that there is no need to hang on to that which my Father freely gives me.  Knowing this there's nothing left but simply live everyday to bring Him praise.  

"Bless the LORD O my soul and all that is within me, bless His holy name!"

A New Name

"and you shall be called by a new name which the mouth of the LORD shall name." Is 62:2

I recently updated my twitter account.  After reading all the wonderful descriptions of some of the people in my sphere I ventured to find words to append under my name that would describe me adequately. I came up with three words.  Woman, Christ-follower. Happy.  Looking at the three words still makes me cringe a little but its a description that I can live with.  The first because that is a part of my identity that I can not run away from, the second because it is the only one of my achievements in life that I am truly proud of and the last because it is the one thing that I aspire to everyday. To just be happy.  For someone like me on some days asking me to be happy is asking for a lot but that is the story of another post, today I looked again at the those three words and I wondered why I still cringed a little.

Words have so much power, more so when either we or others direct them at ourselves.  Clever, stupid, boring, ugly, fat, beautiful, rich, poor.  Everyday in one way or another we interact with words and we put small silent labels on ourselves.  And every day when we wake up we go out with a silent agenda to dispel the negative labels and live up to the positive ones so that others may see us as we would like them to see us.  As we would like to see ourselves.  If I was more honest with myself I may have chosen another set of words to put under my twitter handle.  Words that reflected a more jaded view of myself like Woman. Broken. Secretly Struggling to be happy

But if God is to be believed ( and He is) my three words reflect just a fragment of what He sees when He looks at me. God sees beyond my struggle to my real self and He finds something to celebrate. God looks at my struggle and acknowledges it but calls me out to rise beyond it.  To see myself as He sees me.

"You shall no more be termed Forsaken nor shall your land be called Desolate any more. But you shall be called Hepzibah (My delight is in her) and your land called Beaulah ( Happily married) for the LORD delights in you" Isaiah 62:4

The bible says He delights in me. God, the creator of heaven and earth delights in me!  Another verse (Zephaniah 3:17) says He rejoices over me with singing.  God looks at me, at my sometimes desolate seeming life and finds reasons to sing about me.  It boggles my mind. How can He love me so much?  Why would He love me so much?

Romans 5:8 says  "God demonstrated His love that while we were still sinners Christ died for us"  While I was still foolish, ugly, stupid, boring... Christ died for me because in His eyes I was simply beloved.  There is no label upon me that was so ugly so repulsive that the word "Beloved" could not cover up.  No matter what accusations the enemy conjured up they disappeared, fled in the face this one word that my God placed upon me. Beloved.

Looking through the eyes of God's love I realise that I may never truly know myself as He knows me on this side of eternity, but with His help I can learn to see myself and others more clearly. It has to start with me.  It has to start today and I chose to start in a little way on my twitter page and I'll replace my three words with a few more.  A new name which the mouth of the LORD has named. One that reminds me everyday of His love for me, His inexplicable, unshakeable, unwarranted love for me and for you.  And every day when I look at it  I will seek to see myself as He sees me.

"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17 

And again I say... REJOICE!

Do not be dejected and sad, for the joy of the LORD is your strength!

Nehemiah 8:10

Lately I've been finding myself in-joying life more than usual.  Now in-joying means finding reasons to bring joy into situations that are traditionally rather joy-less.  Joy can be a rare commodity in today's world.  It seems as if people had a meeting and decided that the older you get the less joyful you are allowed to be.

But joy seems to be pretty important in God's world.  The letters of the bible to the early church are full of exhortations to in-joy life.  "Rejoice in the LORD always"  "Consider it joy when you face trials" "May the God of hope fill you with all joy"   I wonder why God found it so important to remind us about joy.  Did He know something that we didn't?  

I'll tell you for free, my life is much brighter now that I choose to spend more time in-joying rather than just living.  Living is so yesterday. ;)  Finding a reason to smile or laugh makes everything so much better.  And if God's word is to be believed there isn't an occasion or a reason worthy to squeeze the joy out of life. Jesus Himself left us with this promise "I will see you again and you will rejoice and no one will take away your joy"

Have you lost your joy?  I give you permission to go out there and find it.  Find things that once brought you joy and see if you can find joy in them again.  Find things you things that, if you did more, would bring you more joy and go out and do them.  And more than anything start with God.  He created joy and so He may know a thing or two about bring your joy back

Dear LORD I pray for joy.  For myself, for my loved ones and for all who read this who need to in-joy life more.  You created joy and so though we may have lost sight of it, I know you can help us find it. In Jesus' Name I ask, trust and believe. Amen.

Living while I'm alive

I've been spending the last few years looking at my life through God's eyes.  It's been the hardest thing.  God's eyes sees perfection where I see flaws.  God's eyes see forgiveness where I see pain and hurt and blame. God's eyes see love where I see routine. The hardest thing though is I cannot 'see' God's eyes.

Through the eyes of faith I see snippets of His Love and His grace.  Through encounters with others that believe in Him I see unity, I see community, I see brokenness and human attempts to love as only God can and I am humbled because in these others I see myself.  I see the destitute nature of my soul. And how impossible it is for me to live without Him.  I am nothing without Him and it is in my emptiness  that I see His wholeness, in my frailties that I see His strength.

God is everything that I am not, except when I choose to be like Him, and then He is everything that I cannot be on my own.  Everything  I have done,  He has made possible because I choose to let Him lead me.  I am alive by default but when I choose to see as God sees, I am able to truly live while I am alive.

Like any other person, I experience heartache but when I turn it over to God I find solace. As I go through my day, I do foolish things but when I expose them to the light of God's truth I find wisdom.  I love with all that I have and instead of feeling frightened and exposed and insecure, my heart is steadfast because I know He who holds my future.  I get disappointed by people but when I look at life, when I look at humanity through God's eyes I see endless possibilities, everyday miracles and opportunities to teach others how to see as God sees.

Choosing to see as God sees, I have purposed to live my life pursuing things that have eternal value.  Living while I am alive. I am God's eyes, I am God hands, I am God's feet and I am God's mouthpiece and only if I live as if this is true do I feel completely alive.  

Lord help me see as you see and live each day as a vessel of your love, your truth and your power. May your wisdom flow through me, your love shine through my actions, your grace be shared with all who I come across and may your Name be glorified in all that I do.

By your grace.  For your glory. In Jesus's name. Amen.

A life less extraordinary

This morning when I was getting to  leave the house I couldn't find my keys.  So I did what any abnormal person would do.   I  had a mini anxiety attack.

Of course it wasn't totally about the keys.  Part of the stress was from yesterdays accident and other part was from years of living with exaggerated emotions otherwise known as bipolar disorder.

I'm actually celebrating the fact that it was a mini anxiety attack and I was able to stop crying after a few minutes and  I found the keys :)  It really wasn't something to write home about, but thank God for the blogosphere, a space where I can tune in and just say whatever's on my mind. :)

Today I wish my life, specifically my emotions were less extraordinary.  My friend Karen once asked me how I do it all.  How I seem to thrive with a condition that has brought so many to their knees.  I guess the answer is I spend a lot of time on my knees too.  Willingly.

One of the exaggerated emotions that I have come to call my friend is an exaggerated need for God.  I need God like I need air.  Like I need water.  Like I need life itself.  Thank God He's sufficient to meet all my needs.  My need for God doesn't diminish me and it doesn't diminish Him either.

Day after day.  Moment after moment.  He has been my Refuge, my Shelter.  My Fortress, my Hiding Place. My Comfort, My Solace. My place of rest.  And the more I search for Him the more I find him.  The more I long for Him the more He satisfies my soul.  The more I need to run and hide the more I find His arms open wide ready to embrace me, time after time after time.

And so hidden here in His Love.  Even my extraordinary life with my sometimes extraordinary emotions can begin to seem rather ordinary.

Thank you LORD for the many ways in which You show up to help me whenever I need You.  The difference is You.

The LORD is my Strength and my {impenetrable} Shield; my heart trusts in, relies on and confidently leans on Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song will I praise Him.  Psalms 28:7

Choosing different

Sound of screeching brakes...  Oh dear is that me... Where did that red car come from all of a sudden... Oh dear I'm going to hit it.  Sam do something...  Maybe if I swerve the damage won't be so bad... CRASH...  (body tense)... waiting to hear a car smash into me from the back ... 1 2 3 4 nothing... sigh of relief...  I made it.  Let's see how bad the damage is from the outside.

I had an accident on my way home today.

You know how you go through the moment over and over again thinking about how if you had just reacted faster... if only I had been paying more attention to the others cars ... etc

I didn't do that today.  I was still and I was thinking...  Accidents happen and thank God I wasn't hurt. It could have been worse.  I have heard those words echoed by my parents and well wishers all my life but today I believed them.  This  accident was not the worst thing that could happen.  It was an unfortunate thing but I got out ok.  Managed to get through dealing with the police.  Thank God my brother was nearby so I didn't have to go through it alone and I only almost cried just once.

None of us were hurt.  As far as accidents go it wasn't too bad.

So why am I crying now?  I think I realise how much life I missed thinking bad thoughts and discounting the good ones.  Bad things happen. Period. But the bad things that we think about the bad things that happen  make the experiences a whole lot worse.

I have lived my life plagued by so many bad thoughts, so many if onlys, so many why can't I get it rights, so many what's wrong with mes and so much of life has just passed me by while I hid in a cloud of my despair.

I didn't do that today.  I sat by the fork of the road that I had travelled too many times in my very very short life and I chose different.

I had an accident on my way home today. Period.

And I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.

Good job Sam.

Choosing different feels pretty good.

Try it.

Choose different.

Happy Anniversary

Today marks 6 years since I decided to lock my hair.  I remember when I talked to my cousin Fifi before I decided to make the bold step.  I was doing sufficient research to make sure I had all the bases covered.  She told me, "you're going to learn to  be patient".  My friend Mujo gave me this useful warning," you're going to start getting a lot of attention from the wrong kind of people".  One of the ladies from the gym gave me a skeptical look and told me "make sure you keep them neat".  

6 year later I can confidently say that they were all right. My hair doesn't grow so fast so waiting for it to grow was like watching grass grow ( only slower :) ).  I did get attention from "the wrong" type of people but it only made me more interested in learning about the rastafarian culture and I found out that I had a lot in common with some of those "wrong" people.  The other day when I was walking through Ngara it was nice to have the guys call me Ras which means King.  As a member of Christ's Holy Nation and Royal Priesthood it felt like an acknowledgement, an affirmation of who I really am.

And as for keeping them neat, I think knowing that people would judge me and instantly choose whether they approve of me just by one glance made me dig deep into my creative juices and come up with fun ways of wearing my hair.

Overall though I think the best lesson has been learning to love myself. My hair was such a burden in the past but now its a celebration.  After trying so many ways to wear my hair I have found rest.

Dear Lord, Today I thank you for my hair. Amen

But if a woman has long hair, it is her ornament and glory? For her hair is given to her for a covering.

1 Cor 11:15