"Bless the LORD O My soul and forget not all His benefits... He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagles" Psalm 103:2,5
There is something fascinating yet elusive about youth. Those who have it rarely know what to do with it and once you've figured it out there's hardly any of it left. No wonder society is in constant pursuit of it. Everyone wants to capture it and hold on to it and keep it forever. Many people have fond memories of their youthful years. Of friendships, fun and crazy antics, heartbreaks and heartaches and missed opportunities, triumphs and treasures and everything else in between. And if you're lucky at the end of a young life well lived you get to usher in another young life and guide them into the process of growing into an adult and hopefully help them avoid the hurts and disappointments that peppered your own life.
My own life followed a similar script except for one thing, a dark cloud that constantly hung over me and coloured my perceptions. I could never clearly see the beauty in, or around, me, my days were filled by a dark cloying sadness that always seemed to lurk close by. At any given opportunity it was ready to invade my moments and take away any vestige of joy and happiness that I had left. Diagnosed as having a mood disorder at the age of 19 I may have not been ready for the next 17 years of trying to make sense of the incomprehensible, but I knew that something had changed forever. I tried to hide it, ignore it, run from it but it was always there, lurking in the corner, ready to pounce in on anything that I valued. I finally picked the safest option and chose to simply withdraw. Withdraw from fun and friendships and live a life of silent heartaches and heartbreaks and a longing to escape it all. My triumphs and treasures faded into nothingness, obliterated by the darkness that seemed to expunge all light.
It would have been sad if my life ended that way. If like the closing credits of a movie the words "THE END" floated over it putting an end to my silently tortured existence. But like a conquering hero coming in at the last moment to save the day God's mercy said NO! Echoing the words of David written throusands of years before I came into existence God stooped down lifted me out of the pit of my desperation and placed my feet on solid ground. Through the loving words and actions of people He placed around me, He introduced me to the true Light. One no darkness could quench. Under the glare of this gentle and merciful Light no darkness could stand. And looking back on my life those 17 years of seeking became 17 years of victories.
Not my victories but His. My life is a testimony of His goodness. The miracle was not that He did not allow it to happen but that He carried me through it. True to His promise in Isaiah 43:2 "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you". God did not fail me. He was always there to hold me and comfort me, to give me solace even in the most fearful and unpredictable situations. I am proof that every word of this promise is true, even when I could not see it God held me through it. And looking back through His Light of understanding I can see what I never could. A love that stood the test of time.
One thing I know for sure is that His promises are true. And now that I know this I can no longer look back at my most youthful years with regret. Though it may seem that those elusive opportunities of my youth may have dried up. I simply cling to another promise. I know that the Promise Giver is faithful and I am seeing His promise unfold everyday. My heart is filled with joy and gratitude for I once was blind but now I see. Where there was once only sadness I see beauty and goodness and love and opportunities to love.
My heart sings and these words leap from it as if they were my very own "Bless the LORD O my soul and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desire with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."
Finally looking back at my life I am able to understand that there is no need to hang on to that which my Father freely gives me. Knowing this there's nothing left but simply live everyday to bring Him praise.
"Bless the LORD O my soul and all that is within me, bless His holy name!"
