After a tumultous past few weeks I'm finally finding my feet again. I've been riding a roller coaster of highs and lows and most recently many I-don't-knows and I'm finally ready to settle down to a new normal. I ended the last year on a big high. The trip to Mauritius, the wonderful people we met there and all the encounters that left a lasting impression on my sense of self. It brought together all the things I love about travelling so perfectly. I always go out looking for the best of that part of the world to bring back with me, little bits of the outside, new ways of thinking and being and this time I felt I came back with bags full.
Then coming back to my brother's long awaited wedding and having it go so perfectly again bringing together love, hope, beauty, family and friends and after that floating into my leave, the festive season and then finally the New Year, which though it started on a bit of a low key note this year is always my favourite time of the year. Immediately after though it all started to unravel, slowly, I began to feel something chipping away at my usual sense of calm and peace and deep trust that all is well. What I had began to feel within I began to see reflected outside of me, as is always the case, and before I knew it I was scrapping at the very bottom of my sense of wellbeing, I was running on empty and it seems all around no-one had enough to spare to give me a refill literally and figuratively. Somewhere in there there was a subtle shift and I forgot that I had began to sense the uncertainity within before I saw it take form outside of me.
And for most of this year, I have been looking outside, waiting for everything to settle so that I can settle too. Following the latest news on the crisis in my country. Talking with friends who are just as shaken and uncertain as I am about it, asking big questions and getting no answers. And then yesterday I read those words that have brought me back here, a paraphrasing of this quote
Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”
John Allen Paulos
And there it is, my way back to me. More and more I am beginning to appreciate the power that we have to shape our own destinies. I have always intellectually embraced the idea that all occurences are simply an opportunity for one to to keep choosing their point of focus, and that the actual choice does have an effect on future occurences. I guess I hadn't embraced it enough internally and at the beginning of the year when the stability of something that I had mistakenly considered as the foundation of my entire sense of well being was called into question I was quick to hop on the despair bandwagon. It didn't help that the entire population of my country was joining it too seeing as the stability of the country's economy was being called into question as well.
Finally thanks to something a Mr. Paulos once said, it all falls neatly into place, and I realise that break-up or no break-up I am still me and I still have access to all those wonderful yummy good feelings that I have enjoyed immersing myself in a not so distant past, on the microcosm end and as for the macrocosm, making the internal shift would have more far reaching consequences than wringing my hands on the despair bandwagon ever could.
Then coming back to my brother's long awaited wedding and having it go so perfectly again bringing together love, hope, beauty, family and friends and after that floating into my leave, the festive season and then finally the New Year, which though it started on a bit of a low key note this year is always my favourite time of the year. Immediately after though it all started to unravel, slowly, I began to feel something chipping away at my usual sense of calm and peace and deep trust that all is well. What I had began to feel within I began to see reflected outside of me, as is always the case, and before I knew it I was scrapping at the very bottom of my sense of wellbeing, I was running on empty and it seems all around no-one had enough to spare to give me a refill literally and figuratively. Somewhere in there there was a subtle shift and I forgot that I had began to sense the uncertainity within before I saw it take form outside of me.
And for most of this year, I have been looking outside, waiting for everything to settle so that I can settle too. Following the latest news on the crisis in my country. Talking with friends who are just as shaken and uncertain as I am about it, asking big questions and getting no answers. And then yesterday I read those words that have brought me back here, a paraphrasing of this quote
Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”
John Allen Paulos
And there it is, my way back to me. More and more I am beginning to appreciate the power that we have to shape our own destinies. I have always intellectually embraced the idea that all occurences are simply an opportunity for one to to keep choosing their point of focus, and that the actual choice does have an effect on future occurences. I guess I hadn't embraced it enough internally and at the beginning of the year when the stability of something that I had mistakenly considered as the foundation of my entire sense of well being was called into question I was quick to hop on the despair bandwagon. It didn't help that the entire population of my country was joining it too seeing as the stability of the country's economy was being called into question as well.
Finally thanks to something a Mr. Paulos once said, it all falls neatly into place, and I realise that break-up or no break-up I am still me and I still have access to all those wonderful yummy good feelings that I have enjoyed immersing myself in a not so distant past, on the microcosm end and as for the macrocosm, making the internal shift would have more far reaching consequences than wringing my hands on the despair bandwagon ever could.
As above so below
As within so without
(Edited to add: :-) I just read my last post before all this started and once again I'm grateful for starting this blog, taking snapshots of who I am at any given moment, and then looking back to see how far I've come. My holding place. I love it)
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