Circling

Yesterday I grabbed my trusty old notebook and began journaling in it again. Till I realised that it was not really that old, will be a full year old in a few days.

I decided to go back and read through my feelings this year. See how far I'd come, how much I've grown, how much I've accomplished, achieved.

I couldn't beleive the words on those pages, couldn't beleive that a full year ago I was still battling with the same things I do today. Keeping my spirits up. Finding meaning in life. Being happy. Not so much battling as willing it. Consciously willing.

And I realised that no matter how much my circumstances had changed, I was still the same person making the same choices. Circling over and over. All of it seeming rather pointless. What good were my breakthroughs if I ended right back to where I came from. Why even bother?

What was the point?

And just now it comes to me, as I go off looking for an image that speaks of what I feel. The point is all in where you look it at it from. Its all about the vantage point. From down here it doesn't seem to make much sense, but if I step away and look at it from above, the pattern comes together to create something beautiful. Its not always the same choices and the slight differences make all the difference to the big picture.

I have grown. I am not the same. I have walked my path and circled and circled and created something of beauty, and if I am not much changed by the experience it is because I was perfect to begin with.

There is nothing to fix, there are simply experiences to be savoured, truths to be remembered and lived, love to be shared, beauty to be enjoyed, cherished, discovered.

The point is living. That's the point. Its not something that you can think of as an accomplishement, or an achievement it just happens effortlessly.

For a full year I have lived. It doesn't make me any more special that anyone else. It just makes me here. At this point.

Alive and pointless and so so happy.